What Is Toxic Positivity And How To Avoid It?
Have you ever had to fake a smile when, inside, you felt like your world was falling apart? Perhaps you had to show courage in the face of a couple breakdown so as not to appear weak or to continue working after a tough argument with a family member. You surely felt that, faced with the impossibility of living and expressing those emotions, your discomfort increased. And this is what happens with toxic positivity.
Positive psychology, a valuable current proposed by Martin Seligman, has been distorted by some people, leading to a kind of dictatorship of happiness in which there is no room for sadness, anger or fear. As a paradox, these attitudes can be even more damaging and damaging.
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is a wrong and harmful way of interpreting positive thinking. It consists of fostering a happy, expansive and pleasant mood in any situation, no matter how tough or challenging it may be.
Some phrases that exemplify toxic positivity are as follows:
- “Failure is not an option, you have to always keep going.”
- “You have to look on the bright side, it could be worse.”
- “Don’t think about it, it’s not that bad.”
- “Everything happens for a reason, be positive.”
These statements are made with good intention, trying to lift the person’s spirits. However, all of them have something in common and that is that they invalidate the suffering of that human being. Therefore, they end up increasing their discomfort.
How can you differentiate toxic positivity from positive psychology?
Unlike toxic positivity, the principles of positive psychology are helpful in improving self-esteem and well-being and in overcoming adverse moments. Finally, the thoughts that we choose to have in each moment do make a difference in our mood.
However, the main difference between the two concepts is that toxic positivity denies the possibility of feeling, accepting and going through negative emotions.
Faced with a difficult or complicated situation on an emotional level, positive psychology invites us to identify and enhance the strengths and resources that the person has to get ahead. That is, it prevents pain (a natural and necessary reaction) from turning into suffering.
On the contrary, toxic positivity denies the existence of that pain and urges to hide it, cover it or displace it while faking a smile and moving on as if nothing had happened.
Why is toxic positivity harmful?
These well-meaning comments, derived from toxic positivity, may appear to be harmless. However, they can cause serious damage to the mental health of the recipient.
Some examples are the following:
- Toxic positivity creates shame. From this approach, negative emotions (anger, sadness, fear, despair) are unacceptable. Their role is not recognized and the goal is to eliminate them. The person may feel embarrassed about maintaining these emotions.
- Cause guilt. If negative moods are unacceptable and happiness is a decision, the conclusion that can be drawn is that it is the person’s fault to feel bad. If you are afraid, sad or hopeless it is because you want to and, also, you should not feel it. Horrible, right?
- For all the above, the suffering person is not allowed to talk about his internal state. The much-needed emotional ventilation is not given and, by not being able to express, feel and let out those sensations, the emotional suppression increases the discomfort.
- The adverse situations we go through allow us to learn about ourselves and about life. If we skip one of the main steps, personal growth stalls. Thus, not only is suffering not alleviated, but the opportunity to acquire valuable resources to face the future is lost.
How can it be avoided?
Avoiding toxic positivity does not imply staying stuck for long periods in negative emotions or fueling those states through pessimism and dysfunctional thoughts. But it does require the following steps:
- Learn to recognize and identify your emotions. Name them and get used to being in touch with your internal states and your bodily sensations.
- Accept what you feel. Negative emotions can be unpleasant, but they are helpful and valuable. Do not reject them. Rather, listen to the message they have to deliver.
- Express yourself. Write, share your feelings with someone close, seek professional help if you need it. The important thing is that you let your emotions out and that you allow yourself to externalize them.
- Learn to tolerate discomfort. When dealing with a person who is suffering, you may have the urge to improve their mood quickly, but what they really need is to be heard, validated and accompanied.
Come out strengthened
Positive thinking, optimism or gratitude are strengths that can be very useful when facing adverse situations. However, do not give up your right to feel all emotions the moment they arise.
In emotional management there are no shortcuts. Going through this unpleasant state is the healthiest way to get ahead stronger.
